Designing a Life Around Your Values Instead of External Expectations
- Eric Stephenson
- Feb 9
- 4 min read
Every once in a while, a story lands in a way that feels less like inspiration and more like a mirror. Not because it says something new, but because it exposes something we’ve quietly learned to tolerate. It reveals a truth we already know, but haven’t fully faced.
The Monk & the Minister parable did that for me. It names a trade many of us are making every single day, often without realizing it. We say we want freedom, fulfillment, and authenticity, yet we structure our lives around what feels safest to maintain.
We cater to the king.
If you’re unfamiliar with this parable, here’s a version of it:
The Monk & the Minister Parable
Two close boyhood friends grow up and eventually go their separate ways. One becomes a humble monk. The other rises to become a rich and powerful minister to the king.
Years later, they reunite. As they catch up, the minister—draped in fine robes—looks at his old friend with a mix of nostalgia and pity. Wanting to help, he offers what he believes is wise, practical advice:
“You know, if you could learn to cater to the king, you wouldn’t have to live on rice and beans.”
The monk pauses, smiles gently, and replies:
“If you could learn to live on rice and beans, you wouldn’t have to cater to the king.”
At first glance, this can sound like a story about wealth, ambition, or simplicity. But it’s not. It’s really a story about freedom, and the hidden cost of the lives we design.
What This Story Is Really About
The minister appears successful. He has power, resources, and status. But his life is held together by proximity to something he cannot control. His comfort depends on approval. His security is conditional. He doesn’t own his life. His lifestyle owns him.
The monk, on the other hand, has very little by conventional standards. But his needs are simple and internally governed. His life is not built around what he fears losing, but around what he truly values. He is not free because he has less. He is free because he requires less to remain aligned with himself.
This is the heart of personal agency.
Agency is not about rejecting success or ambition. It’s not about choosing a minimalist life or opting out of the world. It’s about knowing what you actually need versus what you’ve been conditioned to chase. It’s about designing a life that doesn’t require you to betray yourself just to sustain it.
The Trade We Don’t Realize We’re Making
Most of us were never taught to question the structure of our lives. We were taught to chase stability, approval, and safety even when those things come at the cost of our authenticity.
So we make trades:
We trade time for validation
Truth for comfort
Self-trust for external permission
We stay in roles, relationships, and rhythms that feel misaligned because they are familiar. We build lives that look successful on the outside but feel constricting on the inside. And then we wonder why we feel exhausted, resentful, or disconnected. This isn’t a failure of discipline. It’s a design problem.
How to Stop Catering to Kings
Here are a few questions that can help you identify where you may be giving your power away:
What parts of my life feel conditional on approval or performance?
Where am I maintaining something that costs me my peace?
What would change if I prioritized internal alignment over external validation?
What am I afraid would happen if I stopped catering?
These are not easy questions, but they are honest ones. And honesty is where agency begins.
Redesigning for Freedom
Freedom is not the absence of responsibility. It is the presence of choice. The monk and the minister are not opposites. In fact, they are mirrors of one another. Each reflects a way of organizing a life. One is governed by values. The other by fear of losing what he has built. We all choose, consciously or not, which structure we live inside.
When your values are clear and your nervous system isn’t running the show, you stop catering to kings—real or imagined. You begin to design a life that can hold you without owning you.
So I’ll leave you with this: If you didn’t have to cater to the king… what would your life look like?
To dive deeper into these concepts, grab a copy of my book, The Six Superpowers Within: Activating Your Personal Agency for a Drama-Free Life. In it, at length the tools already within you that you can activate and use to support the life you want to design without sacrificing your wellness or authenticity.
Eric Stephenson is on a mission to create healthy, drama-free cultures where people thrive in business and in life. His book, The Six Superpowers Within: Activate Your Personal Agency for a Drama-Free Life, provides a timeless framework for personal development and transformation. With over 20 years as an entrepreneur, consultant, and former Chief Wellness Officer for a 250-unit franchise system, Eric has led more than 500 live events as a keynote speaker, emotional intelligence strategist, and workshop facilitator. In his free time, he pursues his dream of becoming the newest member of the Foo Fighters.
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